In Control?

-Nikki Douglas

I’ve been avoiding writing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been posting little blurbs on Instagram and Facebook. When there is an accompanying picture to write about, writing seems less intimidating. I write about my girls. I write about running. I write about sunrises and sunsets and being outside. I write about seeking gratitude amidst uncertainty. All of the words tapped out on my phone. My constant companion.

A phone makes it so easy to type out some words and hit “share.” I appreciate and curse the convenience. While I enjoy reading about friends’ adventures or how their children are doing, the muck that plagues most of social media right now is daunting. I try to balance the negativity by sharing things I think are uplifting or, at least, non-triggering, but my usual optimism is unreliable. Whether I am sucked into the rabbit hole of social media or simply driving through my neighborhood, division and blame seems to be everywhere I look. It’s not just political, either. To wear or not wear a mask; send your kids to school or choose the virtual route; support social distance guidelines or choose to ignore them; include or exclude. Judgement and blame. I allow these arguments to taint my faith.

Driving home from the grocery store, yesterday, I read on a church message board, “God is in control.” The statement irritated me. How? At first, I imagined God with video game type controllers, creating & directing people & events. I shook my head while I sat at a red light. The image didn’t seem right. The God I want to believe in isn’t a puppeteer. The God I want to believe in doesn’t create scenarios to “test” people. The God I want to believe in doesn’t pick and choose. I decided to look up the definition of “control.”

According to Oxford Dictionary, control means, “the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.” On the surface, to have the power to control might imply dictating. However, nowhere in the definition does it imply force. Mankind has the luxury of free will. We decide what we do, what we say, how we believe, and who or what we choose to be influenced by. We get to choose our control. We get to choose what power we are influenced by. That choice is what directs behavior and the course of events.

At this point in my writing, I have picked up my phone to scroll through email, Facebook and Instagram a handful of times. It’s a knee jerk reaction to fill time. Each time I have paused to think, I’ve tried to fill that pause by picking up my phone. Each time, I regret it. Looking through pictures, reading posts and articles, and then reading the comments (you can shake your finger at me here). Most times it leaves me feeling empty. And I choose to let that little device have control. It has the power to influence my thoughts and it does. Judgement and blame. My faith is tainted.

Back to that church message board, “God is in control.” Maybe God is like a seat belt; it’s always in the car, but it can’t help you unless you choose to use it. I am no longer irritated with the church message board. I get it. The message is a reminder. A nudge I’m glad to receive.

Photo by Joshua Hanson on Unsplash