After high school I enrolled in a Christian college whose motto has been since 1860 “For Christ and His Kingdom”. Students who decided to study here certainly would be striving to lift up this motto, to follow God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit – the triune God. We would be on the right path.
Then I discovered that my fellow Christian students were questioning the answers that they thought they had correctly learned. They were not in agreement in the interpretation of scriptures and methods to salvation. Some believed, for example, that baptism (and only baptism by immersion, not sprinkling) was essential for salvation. Some did not think baptism even mattered. Some believed a liberation theology, as preached in South America in the 1960s, was the way and the truth. Life and salvation were about social justice here and now and not so much about life after death.
My own belief now seemed less solid and secure. Why were these students who professed to be Christian raising questions about “the truth” – truth that I believed all Christians relied on for their present and eternal relationship with God? Their questionings scared me! What if I was wrong about what I believed to be a stable foundation of faith, hope, and truth?
Doubt and fear pushed me to devotional time, alone, in a small chapel, with 5 or 6 rows located on the top floor in the Student Union building. It was a dark quiet room. There I wanted to find assurance from God that I was on the right path. I feared being deceived by the devil as some warned could happen to even sincere Christians. I did not want to become a “back slider” or a “lukewarm Christian”. I did not want to be wrong. I did not want to lose my faith. I feared that was happening to my Christian peers. I did not want to join those ranks. I did not welcome my doubts and questions. I felt I was venturing into a dangerous or cynical zone where I could deviate from the Way and become eternally alienated and lost. And perhaps worse, not even care about Christ and His Kingdom!
So, I prayed from my fear, from my desire to want to be secure and saved:
“Lord, I beg you. DO NOT LET ME GO! Even if I wander away and pay little attention to you, DO NOT LET ME GO. I may not have the strength to hang on to You. So, You need to hang on to me. Do not release me even if I seem to have lost all interest in you, and I cannot determine the right path. I want YOU to have the last word and claim on our relationship, not me.”
With that prayer, I gave again my life to God and trusted that I would not be abandoned no matter how wrong my theologies or behaviors might wander. Despite my confused and wobbly nature, I counted on being secure with God, because God, not I, was doing the work. I shifted to believe that I would always be loved, wanted, and cared for by God. My security would not, and is not, based on my finding THE right way or THE true path. Because God loves me, God will keep me from wandering far away. I will know that I am forever safe. Thanks be to God! I am grateful. Gratitude brings peace.
"Those who believe they believe in God, but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself." Unamuno, in Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art, Madeleine L’Engle, Colorado Springs, CO: Shaw Books, WaterBrook Press, c. 1980, p.28.
By Victoria Ohs Sherman
October 6, 2023
No comments:
Post a Comment